


all that glitters is not gold

by WildConcerto



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (Potentially) suicidal thoughts, (The genesis of) Grey Jedi, F/M, Lots of people need a hug, Snoke is a Douchebag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 04:42:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10550254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildConcerto/pseuds/WildConcerto
Summary: She would have confronted Luke, fought him, demanded to know the truth. But against the last Jedi, she can do nothing, and there is nothing she hates more than being helpless.Her only hope lies in the hands of someone who, a few days ago, she regarded as a mortal foe.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my humble offering for the Reylo Short Story Collection. It was a long and difficult journey, to say the least. Special thanks to KagamiSorciere for beta-ing this mess and to inkystar for providing gorgeous art for this story.

Her throat tightens, but not because of emotion. Luke Skywalker’s gaze hardens at the sight of her, and he seems anything but pleased by her presence. Rey had been treated unkindly before, and someone hostile is nothing she can’t handle– she can handle pretty much anything.

But she has daydreamed of Luke Skywalker and his exploits so many times, and General Organa has spoken of him with such fondness before she left… for a moment, she wonders if  _ she _ ’s the problem. Unwanted tears come to her eyes. She tries to swallow them back, as she always does. This time, it doesn’t work.

Her arm is still extended, and the lightsaber is getting heavy in her hand.

“That lightsaber…” mutters Luke. “It doesn’t belong to me.”

“Oh.” Rey cringes. So much for not looking dumb during first impressions. She clears her throat. “I come from the Resis—” No. That won’t work. It’s better to talk about the general first. “Your sister has sent me to—”

“Yes, I know why you’re here.” 

Luke’s tone is so dry Rey is tempted to run away, back to the  _ Millennium Falcon _ . She chastises herself. She has never been one to give up. But this time—

No. Now is not the time to be weak and foolish.

“You’re strong with the Force,” continues Luke, but his voice clearly hints his words aren’t meant to be a compliment. “You should go back to where you came from. Stay hidden. Don’t let them find you.”

“Who? The First Order?” asks Rey. She straightens up, determined to chase away whatever bad impression she might have given at the beginning. “I’m not afraid of them. I’ve escaped from them once.”

“You got caught,” replies Luke. “That’s already too much.”

Rey takes a deep breath. Whatever hope she had before meeting Luke Skywalker, of him perhaps being that path ahead of her, is now fading away. But she will not give up, not now.

“Teach me, then,” she pleads. “Under your guidance—”

“I’ve already failed one student.” Luke’s gaze turns away from her, gazing at something nonexistent. For a moment, Rey starts wondering if he’s truly alright– but she quickly chases that thought away. He  _ is  _ the great Luke Skywalker, after all.

“The spirits in the temple… they’re calling to you,” he suddenly sputters, glancing at her again. 

She frowns, awaiting an explanation. 

“You can’t leave anymore,” says Luke. “Whoever accompanied you on the  _ Millennium Falcon _ must go back to wherever they came from.”

Her jaw drops. “B—b—but…” She stops dead in her tracks, and takes a deep breath. After a rocky start, she can’t let things get worse. “Does that mean you’ll train me?”

He frowns and glares at her. She holds back her wincing. “Please!” She clasps her hands together. “I’d do anything!”

In his gaze, there is now something else, and Rey is unsure what it is, and what to make of it. 

“Anything?” he repeats. She nods, eager and desperate all at once.

She then recalls how back on Jakku, she vowed to never begged nor bend herself to anyone’s will. Not even with Plutt. It was useless, of course, but she had always refused to lower herself in any way in front of that slug. But now…

She swallows away any bad feeling.

She would later curse herself for not trusting her instincts.

 

* * *

In the days following the destruction of Starkiller Base, the Supreme Leader hadn’t spared him. But for Kylo Ren, every single punishment was well-deserved. 

He attempts, again and again, to fuel his strength from his worsened pain, but while the Dark Side did run through him, it only made him even weaker. Rage is the only way he can get power, even if he has come to the painful realization that he isn’t reaching his full potential. 

Regardless, he tries meditating on things that could bring him easily to anger, as Snoke has advised him so many times. But despite everything– despite even killing his own father, there seemed to be nothing Dark enough to give him the strength he had been promised.

He hides himself under layers of black and a mask, becoming similar in appearance to the ghastly monsters of the past that legends speak of from Moraband or Dathomir. If he can’t physically transform into a nightmare, he’d become one for everyone surrounding him. When an officer trembles at one of his outbursts, he’s satisfied– until he’s be inadvertently reminded how it’s all just a masquerade.

The First Order, like the Knights of Ren, have quickly learned to shrug off his volatile behavior, but little do they know that he is in fact terrified. 

The quest for power was all for the greater good: despite the Sith being destroyed more than thirty years ago, there was still evil lurking- awaiting a moment of weakness from him, his mother, or his uncle to eat them whole in revenge. The Supreme Leader had told him more times than he could count that he owed him everything, and that he must now fight whatever evil is lurking in the Unknown Regions with Darkness itself, for the Light Side is too weak.  It is all for the greater good, and that is what Uncle Luke and his mother have always done. But in their eyes– in everyone’s eyes, including his– he is a failure.

_ And the scavenger girl, Kylo Ren? A mere nothing. How could you be defeated so easily by her? _

The Supreme Leader is right. He always is. He should hate the scavenger girl for daring to defeat and humiliate him for everyone to see. He can’t forget Hux’s snigger of contempt and triumph when he was found laying in the snow, his face a gaping wound. And yet…

And yet, he cannot hate her, no matter how hard he tries.

Perhaps it is a remnant of those dreams he realized he had of her, even before he met her face to face.

In those night visions, he saw a warrior queen rather than a mere scavenger, and he’d kneel, pleading his allegiance to her. Sometimes, she’d extend her hand to him, and he’d catch it and press it to his lips in a kiss.

He always remembers how his grandfather’s lightsaber had landed in her hand instead of his, and how amazed of herself she appeared. Something had stirred within him, and he could only stare at her with his mouth open in admiration.

All dressed in white, with the snow falling gently, she was beautiful.

She is always in his mind, and he can’t forget her, even less use her as his main fuel for anger.

He tried. When he came to face her, he had pound the bowcaster wound he had received from Uncle Chew—the  _ Wookie _ , using his pain to defeat the traitor Stormtrooper and disarm Rey. It hadn’t worked. He could only feel the pain, while he desperately tried to stay on his feet, parrying every clumsy blow the girl would throw his way only to be defeated.

And as he was laying in the snow, and as she contemplated her work, horrified of what she had done, he knew he should have cursed her and vowed to never give her a day of rest.

But he couldn’t.

If he is unable to hate her, he would have to forget her.

For the first time in years, he meditates.

Luke Skywalker had told him in the beginning that that exercise would be dull and boring, but necessary. The eager padawan that was Ben Solo found that he enjoyed it in the end, to his own great surprise. It was a weakness, of course. Meditating would muffle the Supreme Leader’s voice, closing his mind to the truth and the wise advice he often sent his way.

He takes deep breaths, clearing his mind of any shadow, any thought of the scavenger girl…

And yet, she is there- right in front of him and so far away at the same time- and he doesn’t want her to go away. She reaches towards him, light radiating from her open palm, the warmth emanating the purest form of the Force he has ever felt. It engulfs him, and he feels more powerful than he has ever been—

He snaps out of his daydream.

_ He is stronger in the Light Side of the Force, ten times, a hundred times more than in the Dark. _

He gasps for air, as the truth threatens to drown him and swallow him whole.

The last six years he has spent with the Knights of Ren and the First Order play in his mind like a holovid. His main job was to mind-probe prisoners, and he remembers being furious at such an assignment.  _ Patience, my young apprentice,  _ the Supreme Leader would say, and Ren could do nothing more than accept.

He was effective at it, and the scavenger girl ( _ Rey _ , said the back of his mind) was the first to resist.

He was effective at it, because he was bored every time, and boredom was perhaps close enough to  _ serenity _ .

A sob escapes his throat– he doesn’t want to be something he loathes, a self-righteous Jedi with a mouth full of lies for the so-called better good.

But the Jedi lie, and so does the Supreme Leader, with his claims that the Dark Side will make him stronger, that being immersed in the Dark Side will eventually show him the way to balance, and ultimate power.

No, the Supreme Leader cannot lie, not when he was his only hope—

_ You’re a failure,  _ whispers Snoke in his mind.  _ Didn’t Skywalker tell you a thousand times how the Dark Side was the easiest path? And yet here you are… a pathetic little Jedi spawn, unable to wield power greater than the Jedi and the Sith... You weren’t even capable of killing your fellow students. _

His throat tightens, but he swallows it back. He has nightmares of that time, but until today, he has always pushed them back, forcing himself to move forward towards his other dreams of power.

Now, those ghosts have caught up with him, and he cannot live with them anymore.

_ Then let me go,  _ he begs.  _ Let me travel to the Unknown Regions. I’ll never come back. I’ll hide. _

_ You fool,  _ Snoke mocks him.  _ You are still of some use… You cannot even  _ die  _ without my permission. _

He feels an invisible hand grabbing his chin, nails scratching the skin. He does his best not to wince.

_ Why do you think I’ve chosen you, Kylo Ren? It was not the cries of the warriors on Jakku and the Empire falling to dust that awoke me after a thousand years. It was the cry of your mother as she gave birth. And then I saw you… the perfect vessel.  _ Snoke chuckles.  _ I can’t stay in this old carcase forever, you know. _

Kylo Ren trembles. One way or another, he has lost. Han Solo was right. The Supreme Leader was using him all along.

But despite it all, amidst all the fear, his blood starts boiling. Even if he refuses to acknowledge it, such a reaction is an inherited trait from a mother, a Chosen One, a Queen, a princess of Alderaan turned general, a foul-mouthed scoundrel, and a Jedi.

_ You can rot in hell,  _ he hears himself respond, and his audacity scares and thrills him all at once, even if his inner voice frankly sounded too much like Han Solo’s.

_ The courage of a fool _ , gloats Snoke.  _ Is insulting me the only way you can convince yourself you are worth something? _

 

* * *

There is something  _ off  _ with Master Skywalker.

A dark energy surrounds him. When she meditates, she finds herself distracted as she tries to find the source of his troubles. He always chastises her for it.

As time passes, she becomes aware enough to realize it all comes from the center of the island, more specifically from a cave. She wonders sometimes if it isn’t the infamous Jedi Temple Master Luke was looking for that Han Solo told them about; she cannot discover if it’s the case or not since he has strictly forbidden her to go anywhere near it. He seems to want to avoid any question about it.

She knows she must shield herself from any dark influence. But whatever it is, she often finds herself encircled by it, even if it never affects her in the same way it does Master Luke. She grudgingly admits it brings her some sort of comfort, no matter how hard she tries to push it away as she recalls Master Skywalker’s warnings. She likes the way wisps of black matter tickle her face at night, while it whispers “ _ Come home, _ ” and she even wonders if it’s what a mother’s touch would feel like. Luke would certainly not like any of this, but she doesn’t care. If it is the Dark Side of the Force, it is the only distraction which occupies her thoughts and halts her from falling into apathy.

It is painful to admit, but her training with Master Luke bores her to death.

This day is particularly irritating, and she throws her training stick on the ground in frustration after what had seemed like hours of repeating the same form.

“This is useless!” she shouts. “I’m wasting my time.”

She glances at Master Skywalker, hoping to see a glimmer of understanding. But she is met with nothing else but a stern glare hurting her more than it should.

“Why are you here, Rey?” he asks, his tone low. “What do you hope to achieve?”

She is taken aback by his question, and it takes her a few seconds before she can reply. “Well… I want to help my friends, of course.”

“Yes? And after that? What will you do after all that’s done?”

Her most pleasant dreams come back to her. Her lips even twitch upwards. “I… I’ll find my family. Maybe they need my help or something. Maybe that’s why they didn’t come back. I have to rescue them. And then, well, there are my friends, too, and—”

“A Jedi has no attachments, Rey,” Luke interrupts. “If you cling too much to who you love, any opportunity of falling to the Dark Side will only—”

She isn’t even listening anymore. It isn’t the first time she hears of the infamous “no attachments” rule, but it is so contradictory to everything in her life that she has never been able to accept it. And today, it hits her harder than usual.

“You never told me how you discovered your Force sensitivity,” says Luke, in what looks like an attempt to change the subject.

Flashbacks of the snow fight come to her. Of course, that wasn’t the time she discovered her power: gazing into Kylo Ren’s mind as she saw an opening and picking up a few tricks permitting her to afterwards drive the Stormtrooper away. But all she can think of is her anger boiling up, clearing her mind and showing her Kylo Ren’s every weakness, permitting her to wound him and leave him lying in the snow.

_ The Dark Side. _

She doesn’t dare to imagine how Luke would react.

She runs away, despite Luke yelling for her to come back. She finds refuge in her hut, and collapses on her cot, cradling her knees to her chest.

For a moment, she forgets about the rest of the universe – Luke, Chewie, Finn, General Organa. She feels like a fish out of water as she imagines herself alone again. 

Eventually, she falls asleep. 

The nightmare isn’t hers. She sees the back of a black-haired young man surrounded by other young people, their faces twisted in anger and fear as they point fingers at him. She hears the young man’s thoughts as clearly as she can hear her own: he has been deceived his entire life about his origins by the people closest to him, only to have his companions turn their backs on him. 

As he grows more scared and angry by the minute, he even wishes they’d all die. 

Whatever black stars are watching over him grant his wish in the form of warriors clothed in black, the same ones Rey recalls seeing in her vision in Maz’s castle.  They slaughter every single student, except for the young man, and burn down their home while he stands watching in horror.

In the end, they drag a student who was trying to run away to him. He doesn’t even want to look at her. She is a fourteen-year-old girl: not as young as he was when he had been sent away, but still a child.  _ Do it,  _ whispers a voice in his mind.  _ Show your worth. _

He ignites his lightsaber, taking a deep breath…

… but he turns it off, throwing his weapon to the ground.

He collapses to his knees, clutching his head as if he was in pain, and his cries send a shiver down Rey’s spine as if she could feel it herself. 

In the end, he stops, getting to his feet as he trembles, and, without further ado, he picks up his lightsaber and kills her. 

He turns around, and Rey can finally see his face. 

She wakes up, gasping for air. 

She doesn’t even have time to ponder what she has seen. She notices another presence, and it’s not someone nearby.

His aura is strange, an embodiment of light shrouded by darkness. She senses despair, loneliness, abandonment, a sense of doom– feelings she knows all too well but that she has always pushed away to survive in unforgiving Jakku. It’s not even the worst of it: amidst it all, she also sees resignation. And it’s unbearable.

Whoever he is, she can’t leave him alone. Not when he’s so close. She knows how much it hurts, and how it is to have no comfort whatsoever.

“Who are you?” she asks out loud.

The reply comes in the form of a wave, coming by a bond she can sense only now, but  has been there ever since that infamous trip to Starkiller Base.

_ Ben Solo.  _

She jolts, and rushes out of her hut. But no matter how much she runs, she cannot escape her own mind.

Memories of a lifeless body falling into a chasm, and another of laying on a cold white mattress with stains of red, disturb her vision. She pushes it all back, as she always does, to forget about the pain. She rushes towards the island’s core, but she hears it cackling at her despair and her burning anger, already claiming her for the Darkness. It frees her to finally scream out what she’s been keeping inside to survive, and still come out victorious and almighty.

Flashbacks of her time with Master Luke play in her mind. He’s a hypocrite. He talks about detachment while he has abandoned his sister. He speaks of resisting the Dark Side while she can sense the dark shadow he casts. All these traits her mind extrapolates and reminds her that he has isolated her from what family she could have had.

She hates him. She hates him, she hates him, she hates him…

_ Rey? _

Shadows suddenly stray from her, and the Jedi code comes back to her memory. Her throat tightens.

She has failed. She will never become a Jedi.

She sees, for a fleeting moment, General Organa’s melancholic features.

_ Don’t, please…  _ Kylo Ren mutters again.  _ Don’t make it harder. _

_ Oh, now I have to control my thoughts for your sake? Kriff off. _

Silence.

_ I’m going to die,  _ he says, loud and clear.

Rey’s head jolts up in surprise as she mindlessly takes a few steps away from the cave’s entrance.  _ What do you mean? _

It’s not that she’s concerned about him. It’s… unexpected. Yes, unexpected. That’s all.

For a moment, he hesitates. It is something he has been forbidden to say under threats of severe punishment, but at this point, he has nothing to lose.

She heads towards a cliff, sitting on a rock while contemplating the sea ahead of her, and waits.

Finally, he gathers what little courage he has left and tells her the tragedy of Ben Solo, and his first kill, which had been enough to earn him the title of Jedi Killer. 

It was the first time he had killed someone unarmed. Even now, he is not so sure if it’s really his fault. It probably is. No, it always is. And anyway, the first kill always makes the others that follow easier.

She listens, and doesn’t interrupt him once. When he is done, he expects her to walk away like everyone else in an unspoken sign that she had heard enough and didn’t want to hear about him ever again. 

Instead, she stretches out her hand, and her eyes open in surprise as she realizes that he isn’t beside her, but systems away. 

“I killed someone too,” she mutters, her voice impersonal. “Another scavenger. I thought he was a wild animal. I didn’t see him at first. I was ten.” 

At first, he doesn’t know what to say. “It wasn’t your fault,” he replies. “You didn’t know.” 

“That’s what I told myself for years,” she continues, her tone as emotionless as before, but it’s not that she doesn’t care- she has forced herself over time not to agonize over it. 

No one knows about it, and she hopes no one else will ever discover it. Perhaps Luke, Finn, or General Organa would look at her differently, and the mere thought of it is enough to bring tears to her eyes. 

She can’t figure out why she thought talking about it to Kylo Ren, of all people, was a good idea, but deep down, it’s as if he can understand.

 

* * *

_ I need to leave. _

It’s been a few days of them speaking to each other using the bond. At this point, it’s what keeps them both going.

Luke knows nothing of this, and Ren only hopes the Supreme Leader suspects nothing either.

Luke knows nothing, but he suspects something is going on since she is a lot more serene than she was before.

But what truly frightens Rey is how the darkness she had once found safety in is turning on her, whispering distrust in Master Luke’s ear. She doesn’t know if he listens to it or not, but she can’t live like this anymore. Not when Luke is constantly wary of her, and when he seems to know what happened to her family. In the face of it all, she is utterly powerless.

In another case, she would have confronted Luke, fought him, demanded to know the truth about her mother and her father. But against the last Jedi, she can do nothing, and there is nothing she hates more than being helpless.

Her only hope lies in the hands of someone who, a few days ago, she regarded as a mortal foe.

It’s not that she likes him. He’s just barely tolerable. He’s also the only person she manages to have a decent conversation with and forbids her from giving in to too many negative thoughts.

He also doesn’t lie. She knows that he hates any kind of lie. She knows more about him than any other person in the galaxy– more than Luke, who still believes his nephew entirely responsible for the massacre of his padawans. Also more than Snoke, who is still unaware of their bond. Most of all, he has a keen understanding of her struggles, her feelings of abandonment, because he has experienced them all himself.

She is still unsure what to make of the fact that she shares so many common traits with Kylo Ren. But she will certainly not end up like—

No. She shouldn’t think that way. It wasn’t right.

But she has to leave Ahch-To, before it’s too late. She already feels like a prisoner.

_ Don’t you have any contact with the Resistance?  _ His voice carries a note of bitterness. It stings her more than it should.  _ Ask one of them to pick you up. I don’t know… _

She sighs in frustration. He could have not chosen a worse moment to be infuriating.  _ Master Skywalker has made it clear to Chewie that he isn’t coming back, that I was to be trained and that I wouldn’t come back either before the end of my training. He probably gave Chewie a return date, but I have no idea when. I’m not going to wait. I’m sick of waiting.  _ She takes a deep breath, holding back tears.  _ I’ve waited my entire life. _

No reply from his side of the bond. For a moment, Rey thinks he has abandoned her as well. This time, she makes no effort of swallowing back her tears. The wail she lets out is accompanied by the walls of her hut shaking and a nearby jug shattering.

_ Hey, hey, HEY! Sweetheart! Calm down! _

She stops.

_ I’ll come for you. I don’t know how, but I will. _

* * *

 

 

“I’m stealing a TIE Advanced. I’m stealing a TIE Advanced. I’m stealing an TIE Advanced…”

Kylo Ren is glad he still remembers the basics of piloting. He has never flown an TIE/x1 before, but thankfully the controls aren’t too different from anything he’s piloted before. The real trick will be avoiding getting hit before jumping into hyperspace. Despite his giddiness– he’s openly defying the Supreme Leader by escaping like this– he still manages to summon the Force and avoid any shot.

His nervousness doesn’t come from the fact he’s risking his life. It comes from him feeling ridiculously light-headed, as if he were a naughty boy running away from school. (Which was an… accurate comparison.) Somehow, he never doubts that he’ll reach Ahch-To, one way or another.

He promised Rey he would come for her. And he never breaks a promise.

When he finally jumps into hyperspace, he falls back into his seat, and for the first time in ages, the corner of his lips curl up. He tries nudging Rey using their bond, warning her of his arrival, to get ready to leave—

Her end of the bond is silent.

Whatever optimism he had a few minutes before vanishes.

He forces himself to focus on the task at hand. There’s nothing to worry about. Rey is probably training with Skywalker. Of course, she can’t give him any hint that his nephew is coming- he’ll find it out soon enough. 

He has searched for the map to the first Jedi Temple for so long, even if it meant putting his personal interests before those of the First Order. But now that he knows its location, he can’t even explore it, and to his great surprise, he doesn’t care. One day, he’ll come back, and Rey will be at his side.

The landing… is a bit rough. He has trouble finding a place to land, and he hopes that whatever damage the x1 might have sustained will not stop him– them– from taking off.

He climbs the steps three by three as he tries to locate Rey on the island. But when he arrives on top, Luke is waiting for him, his lightsaber ignited.

_ Kriff. _

He is thankful he’s wearing his mask- it’s more efficient at giving him a frightening façade than he is. He straightens up, his pose arrogant and aggressive all at once, but it is mostly just to hide that he’s terrified that the situation might quickly get out of control, especially with Rey being nowhere in sight.

“Where is she?”

“She’s somewhere where she cannot reach you,” replies Luke. “And I won’t let you get any further. I know what you’ve come for. But you can give up all hope of getting into the temple.”

“Why do you say that?”

It’s at that moment Kylo Ren realizes there’s something… off in Luke’s gaze. It’s as if there is a struggle in his mind between reality and somewhere else. As he looks deeper, for a split second, Ren sees that it is an all-too familiar fight: the struggle between the Light and the Dark.

“What happened to you?”

Luke’s gaze suddenly softens and his mouth twists. For perhaps just a moment, he has become Uncle Luke again. He turns off his lightsaber.

“I wanted to save you, and Leia too,” he says, his voice broken. “I thought—I thought perhaps the Jedi way was flawed. Perhaps that’s why they failed, and there was an Empire. I couldn’t bear failing you. So I found the Jedi temple… but dark powers had made it here before me.”

Luke turns his gaze away. “I thought I would be strong enough to resist the taint brought by those Dark Side holocrons. I was foolish enough to attempt again and again to enter the temple… but when I realized I’d been influenced by those relics, it was too late. So now, I stay here, and that way, I’m not a threat to anyone. Because—because, I don’t know if I’ll hold on much longer—”

He is unable to continue. After a few seconds of heavy silence, Luke Skywalker stares at his nephew again, but this time, his gaze is anything but friendly.

“Rey cannot leave,” he continues. “Not when she carries so much Darkness within her. And you won’t be going anywhere either.”

Both their lightsabers ignite almost at the same time, but they haven’t even begun when they hear another one switching on as well.

“Next time it’s going to take a bit more than knocking me out and tying me up to stop me,” says Rey, and Ren has never been happier to see her. “It’s two against one, Master Skywalker. Let us go.”

Rey expects Luke to charge towards Kylo Ren first. But instead, he leaps towards her, and it is so unexpected she clumsily parries him, yelping as she almost loses balance. Her teeth start clattering in panic. This has nothing to do with that time she was dueling against Kylo Ren on Starkiller Base. Master Skywalker is ten times more aggressive, and she becomes fully aware that she can’t do much against a fifty-three-year-old Jedi Knight. 

A dark silhouette jumps in so quickly it takes a few seconds for Rey to remember that she isn’t alone and that Kylo Ren is on her side. Luke uses the Force to push her away, and she muffles a groan as her body crashes on the ground. As she falls, Rey can’t help but chuckle at the irony of all this. Flashbacks of the duel on Starkiller come back to her, and she sees Finn lying in blood-stained snow. She gulps and gets on her feet, determined not to let anything of the sort happen again to anyone involved. 

Master Skywalker seems too distracted in defeating his nephew to pay any attention to her. It isn’t surprising considering she’s untrained and Ren is clearly the major nuisance. 

She has trained enough to see Ren is not fighting to kill. Rey comes closer, running as quietly as she can not to draw any attention. 

_ Now,  _ Ren whispers in her mind, and he jabs Luke in the face. 

It takes a millisecond for Rey to understand it is a diversion. She rushes towards Luke, using his daze to knock his lightsaber out of his hand. To further incapacitate him, she kicks him in the stomach, and the blow is so hard Master Skywalker falls to the ground. She almost wants to apologize. 

Ren uses the distraction to grab Luke’s lightsaber before he can get ahold of it again. He stands beside Rey, rays of green and red joining her blue. 

They glance at Luke. It would be hard to believe that a few seconds earlier the same man had been attacking them: there is now regret in his gaze, and what looks like resignation. 

“I can’t go,” whispers Luke. “I can’t go and help  _ her _ … not like this.” His voice breaks, and it’s not difficult to guess that “her” means his sister. For a moment, Rey wants to help him up, but she is still wary. 

“Leave,” Master Skywalker tells Rey. His face becomes sour. “I’ll only make things worse.” 

From that moment, she and Ren know fully well Luke could change his mind any second. They rush towards the X1, but they can’t help but look back. 

Luke is up on his feet. “ _ GO! _ ” he yells, his fury coming from their hesitation. 

From there, they panic, worrying any second that Luke might run after them. Before Ren boards the X1, he leaves his uncle’s lightsaber on a rock and helps Rey heats up the engines before Luke decides to run after them. 

It is only when they jump into hyperspace that Rey finally lets her tears fall. A hand sets on her shoulder. She turns around to see Kylo Ren, unmasked, and she sees the scar she has given him for the first time since their confrontation on Starkiller Base.

It was her punishment for him after his murder of Han Solo, and while the rational part of herself is still convinced he fully deserved it, her crying only worsens.

“It’s not— we just left him there. What will happen to him?”

Ren gulps, his eyes glassy. He’s as helpless as she is, travelling in space with no destination ahead of them. She realizes that she can’t even go back to the Resistance, not with Ren, not after failing Luke. She was so desperate to leave she hadn’t even thought everything through.

“We’ll come back,” replies Ren. “We’ll have to.”

* * *

 

 

For the first few days, the easiest tactic is to never stop moving.

The X1 is not like the Millennium Falcon or the Finalizer- they can’t live in it. They stop on obscure planets, far enough from the Core and any First Order-sympathetic systems.

Rey is still determined to keep practicing what little she knows of lightsaber forms. Ren corrects her posture from time to time. She complained the first few times, but the more time passes, the more she lowers her resistance and lets him help her.

She’s always very careful not to lean towards him if he comes too close. It isn’t that he disgusts her, but that any unnecessary physical touch would just feel awkward. Well, for her, at least. She doesn’t know how he would react.

Rey constantly pushes away going back to the Resistance. Too soon, too soon, she repeats to herself, while Ren doesn’t whisper a word about it.

It’s the nightmare that finally convinces them to go back.

They often have shared dreams – thankfully, it’s only on occasion and usually innocent images of their past. Like the deserts of Jakku, or two large Wookiee arms serving as a temporary nest before finally getting dropped into a proper bed- a doll made of rags, a clan leader slain from behind…

This time, however, it’s not just images. It’s a vision of General Organa heavily wounded in a confrontation with the First Order.

The next morning, Rey doesn’t need to ask if Ren saw the same thing- the way he stares blankly at the x1 says it all.

She sits down near him, staying silent. She doesn’t really know how to comfort someone, having lived on her own all her life, and she’s also just as desperate and guilty-feeling as he is.

“I failed them,” she finally says out loud. He turns his head suddenly towards her, his eyes wide. She waits for him to turn away, but he doesn’t budge, forcing her to continue.

“I should have stayed with Master Luke. I’ve been a coward for leaving. I should have just waited for Chewie to show up. I should have gone back to the Resistance. I should have hel—”

Arms suddenly encircle her in a tight hug. It startles her, but she doesn’t dare move. In another time, she would have told Kylo Ren to back off, but she must admit it isn’t that unpleasant. His warmth is comforting. Tolerable. For some reason, she expected him to feel cold, just like Starkiller had been- but it occurs to her it’s because he’s always dressed in black, and it’s a color which for some reason she’s always associated with chilly nights on Jakku. His arms are admittedly cozy, and he doesn’t squeeze her too tightly. It even feels as if he were afraid to startle her- a stupid precaution, considering they don’t really have that much familiarity between them. For a millisecond, her shoulders loosen, until his breath tickles her cheek and she draws back as softly as she can- too softly. 

The breeze caresses her freed shoulders, and she shivers in the cold. She already misses his warmth.  _ Kriff _ .

She jolts her head towards him, but she isn’t able to look the least bit offended. She can’t even get a bit of satisfaction from his lowered head, his mouth twitched in embarrassment and his hair not quite hiding his reddened ears.

He clears his throat. “I… Rey, it’s not your fault, okay? You did nothing wrong… do you understand, Rey? Do you?”

It takes her a moment to remember- the nightmare. The Resistance. Of course. 

She feels brave enough to review, once again, the nightmare in her mind. It looks like it takes place in a city– Rey has never been to one before, and while what she sees already amazes her, she doesn’t dare to imagine how it must look in reality.

“Coruscant,” says Ren out loud, and bells start ringing in Rey’s head.

“It was the Imperial Center, wasn’t it?”

He nods. “The New Republic was so determined on not giving any reminders of the Galactic Empire they chose Chandrila as the New Republic’s capital. It’s Mon Mothma’s home planet. As you can see, it’s a perfectly unbiased decision,” he snorts. “It moved to Hosnian Prime later. We both know how that ended.”

“So… why Coruscant?”

“It’s become the place to be whenever there’s some fancy party. The Coruscanti underworld has even expanded ever since the Empire’s fall. The New Republic has no idea how to keep order. But anyway, whatever is left of the New Republic is probably gathering there.”

“And General Organa is probably heading there to—”

He suddenly draws away from her. “Yes, except that they’re all idiots who are going to be too stuck up to listen to her.” His fists curl in an obvious attempt to control his anger. “And I’ll bet it just so happens that the remaining senators have sympathies with the First Order.”

Rey sighs in impatience and marches towards him. “I’m not staying here waiting for something to happen. I’ve done enough of that. You can stay here and destroy the forest if you want, but I’m leaving and I’m going to help, even if I failed my mission with Master Skywalker.”

He stares at her for what seems like forever, and Rey is incapable of turning away, unsure of what he’s trying to tell her. Well, if he’s attempting to intimidate her, it won’t work, and no way she’ll leave just to give him the high ground in such a pathetic way. He eyes her up and down, and for a split second he lowers his head, looking at her in the eye. It is only then that she realizes she has been stretching her head up towards him.

“Wherever you go, I’ll follow you.” He says it so solemnly it is like a vow, and Rey can’t help but hold her breath for a moment.

It is then that she senses, for the first time, how much he admires her. Worships her. She feels dizzy. Being “worshipped” is the last thing she’d expect, but there is something deep within  _ loving _ the idea of the Master of the Knights of Ren kneeling in front of the little scavenger from Jakku.

* * *

 

 

They must go around Coruscant unseen.

Which means they have to  _ steal _ clothes to pass as rich dignitaries enjoying the sights of the new Coruscanti casino.

They sneak to the back of a shop where they find a big enough inventory and where it will be easy to find something in their size.

Rey finds herself forgetting about the urgency of the moment, letting her hand glide along the soft and colorful fabrics all lined up before her. The dress reminds her of the silvery river she had seen on Takodana, and she grabs it on an impulse. The way the fabric is draped and sewn reminds her of her scavenger garb, minus all the tatters and tears at the bottom. She waves the dress around as she notices the thousand little petals printed in the fabric shimmering in the light. They look so real- like silver leaves floating on a river. 

She remembers all those times she’d lay on the grass on Ahch-To and watch the Convorees fly in the cloudy sky, and how she’d wish she had wings. She’d like her wings to look like the dress’s fabric. Not feathers. 

The skirt is shorter than any dress she has seen before, and for a moment, she wonders if she’s too tall for it.

“You wear pants under that,” says Ren, while pulling out a pair the same color as the dress. Rey glances quickly at the clothes he’s holding on one arm for himself. They’re all black. Obviously. “We’re going on a rescue mission. It’ll be more practical. You’ll trip if you wear a longer skirt.”

She frowns. “I will not!”

“Well, if you fall, I’ll pick you up.” He winks at her, before ducking and avoiding the shoe she throws at his head. Oh, he’s infuriating all right, but Rey must admit she likes seeing him almost smiling. It would be hard to believe he could be playful, but he makes it seem almost… natural.

Perhaps it’s because it’s his true self.

When she’s ready, she finds herself swinging her skirt around.

“Your buns.”

Her head jolts up.

“What?”

Without further ado, he walks towards her, his hand touching her hair and undoing the bun at the bottom of her head. She freezes at the unexpected touch.

“Is something wrong?” asks Ren.

She’s had that hairstyle ever since she was a little girl– it would make her easily recognizable if her family ever came back to Jakku to get her. But now… she doesn’t want to think about her current situation too much. The mere thought of it makes her dizzy.

And anyway, the whole point of all this is to  _ not  _ be recognized.

“I’m fine,” she replies, but her voice isn’t as clear as she would have liked it to be.

He finishes his work, raking her hair with his fingers to make it fall on her shoulders more naturally. He stares at her for perhaps a bit too long, refusing to let go of a strand.

When she meets his gaze, he turns away.

“Come on. We need to get out before someone finds us here.”

* * *

 

 

It is the first attack on Coruscant ever since the Clone Wars, and most people aren’t old enough to remember those days. 

Any other time and Rey would have yanked her hand from Kylo Ren’s. This time, however, she is too afraid of losing sight of him, not to mention that after a lifetime in the desert, the crowds of Coruscant running around in panic are overwhelming.

Finding General Organa in the middle of an attack is like looking for a droid in a Star Destroyer, and there’s no way they can ask for information. 

They come near what was once the Galactic Senate– fire is consuming the building, and for a moment, Rey is worried they might have come too late.

“She isn’t dead,” mutters Ren. “She’s alive. I can feel it.”

Rey wonders for a moment if he senses it through the Force, or if he is trying to convince himself.

Her gaze wanders, and for a fleeting moment, an illusion appears through the crowd and the smoke.

No, not an illusion.

“Finn!” She lets go of Ren’s hand and rushes towards her friend, not looking back to see if he follows her.

“Rey!” Finn’s lips twitch upwards at the sight of her, but she can feel his anxiety which leads Rey to imagine the worst for General Organa. He spots Kylo and his gaze is half questioning, half suspicious. It hurts her more than it should, even if it is expected due to her being with no other than Kylo Ren. 

“I thought you were still with Master Skywalker? What are you doing here? Why—” He stops, but Rey can all too well guess what the next question is.

“I—it’s a long story.” She takes a deep breath. “Is General Organa safe?”

She has trouble breathing when she sees Finn’s crestfallen face. “She’s—she’s with us. But she’s been hurt. Doctor Kalonia is with her. I’m here to help any survivors and—”

Rey isn’t listening anymore. She closes her eyes, holding back tears. She has to stay strong– strong for two…

She glances around, and it’s only now that she realizes that Kylo Ren is nowhere in sight.

“You looking for him?” Rey bites her tongue at Finn’s question. If he thinks he can reproach her company just now, he is mistaken. “Hey, don’t glare at me like that,” sighs Finn. “Did he kidnap you? What happened? Rey, tell me. Are you okay?”

She nods. “I’m fine,” she sighs, and smiles, but her smile is forced. The next few sentences come out a lot harsher than she would’ve wanted to. “I’m always fine, don’t you know? I can handle myself. I always have!” 

She turns her back to Finn and runs back into the crowd. She doesn’t want to look back at him. She remembers how she left him behind, still comatose while she went for a quest she would later fail. 

When she and Finn were to meet again, they were going to hug, catch up on everything they had done, congratulate each other. Not like this. Not when she couldn’t even look up at him. 

He’d probably done a lot while she was gone. Helping the Resistance. Becoming a hero while she--

“Rey? Rey, come back! What is wrong with you?”

It’s too much this time. Her head down, she slowly walks back to Finn, while she’s reminded of what has been on her mind ever since she started training with Luke.

_ Is something wrong with me? _

“Hey, Rey, please,” Finn runs towards her, taking her hand gently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. It’s just—I’m a bit overwhelmed, and I think you are, too. Just… come with me? Don’t worry about him. Please?” He’s trying to coax her. Rey is all too aware of that, and in other circumstances, she would have snatched her hand away and yelled at him. She  _ hates  _ being treated like a child. But it isn’t Finn’s fault. She put herself in this mess. 

She takes a deep breath. For a split second, she tries to reach out to Ren using their bond.

_ Where are you? _

She notices there is something wrong on his end. He is in pain.

_ Just go with the Resistance,  _ he manages to reply.  _ Don’t worry about me. _

She curls her fists. If he thinks she’ll just go and never look back…  

“I have to go. I have to find him.” 

“What?”

Rey glances sadly at her friend. “Finn… once it’s all over, I’ll tell you everything. I promise.” He winces, but before he can reply, she hugs him. For a moment, she’s afraid he might not react or, worse, reject her. But he hugs her back, as tightly as she does.

“Well, I don’t understand,” says Finn, and Rey knows it’s his way of telling her he’ll let her go. “Just be careful.”

“I can handle myself,” sighs Rey. “You’re the one who always gets into trouble.”

_ Just like that idiot. _

* * *

 

 

Kylo Ren tries not to think too much about the fact that the Knights of Ren are holding him on the ground, rendering him helpless. The sight of Hux smiling in contempt at his capture is humiliation enough. 

It is probably the Force’s will that he has fallen across them and Hux instead of having them track down whatever’s left of the Resistance, and find his mother at the same time. If it can buy time for Rey to be safe, for his mother to be safe and in the Resistance’s care, then it’s worth it.

Hux’s sneering face is even more infuriating than usual.  Ren is reminded of a child finally getting his revenge for many petty fights until he realizes it is a good representation of all those times he was forced to work with that bastard.

“The Supreme Leader is displeased with you, Ren,” he gloats. But his words don’t have the effect he hopes for. Ren himself is surprised that he feels no shame, no sense of failure…

Well, now that he thinks about it, the Supreme Leader can go to hell.

“It should have been obvious nothing good can come out of Rebel scum offspring, shouldn’t it? No wonder the Supreme Leader has kept it a secret—”

Ren chuckles. “Well, at least I’m not a bastard.” Hux kicks him in the head and his ears ring as the taste of blood fills his mouth. But to see that jerk’s face become as red as his hair is almost worth it.

“The Supreme Leader has told me to bring you back alive… but he’s said nothing about having to bring you back unharmed,” he continues. “What could be an appropriate punishment for your disobedience? Let’s see… a good reminder of what you are…” He snaps his fingers. “Of course! Darth Vader lost his limbs, and then, he cut off his own son’s hand. Charming family tradition, really.”

At first, Ren isn’t frightened – no, it’s just more proof that Hux is incompetent and it’s oddly satisfying. Losing a limb could reduce your Force potential, and it would be the last thing Snoke would want.

_ The last thing Snoke would want. _

_ Perhaps, if I lose a limb… maybe Snoke will leave me alone. _

He swallows back the bile coming up his throat. He cannot kill the Supreme Leader – not even in his wildest dreams. But if he can keep him away for good, it would be enough.

He doesn’t look up. If he looks at anyone, he’ll lose what little courage he has left.

He hears a crackling sound, and he can’t help but look at the red glow in front of him– his lightsaber threatening more than ever to blow up- springs to life. 

When the blade cuts down his entire arm, despite all his efforts, he can’t hold back a scream.

* * *

 

 

She doesn’t recall running so fast her entire life. Oh, she’s run, more than once—most of the time to save her skin.

This time, it's different: she’s running straight into danger. It is the first time she is more worried for someone else than she is for her own life.

Thanks to their bond, she’s able to track him. Otherwise, she doesn’t know how she’d even manage not to get lost in Coruscant. The crowds running around in panic and the huge buildings still unnerve her, but she does her best not to pay attention to any of it. Now is not the time. She doesn’t even glance at the thugs who look at her fancy clothing with smugness: she reminds herself of the lightsaber hiding under her skirt, and she finds satisfaction at the idea she could cut off their heads if they came too close for her taste.

It comes all of a sudden, so quickly she doesn’t even scream in pain.

Her right arm feels like it's plunged into molten carbonite.

She just wants to collapse on the ground, but now, there is no time. She limps forward, and it’s thankfully only a matter of minutes when she finds him, surrounded by dark silhouettes like shadows, his face lined with red scar she gave him the only trace of color in the darkness.

Yes, it’s him— minus his right arm.

_ I thought I told you to go with the Resistance, you stupid girl,  _ he whispers in her mind.

She doesn’t have time for a snippy answer—a figure comes out of the shadows: a redhead who’s standing so straight he looks like he’s trapped in his First Order uniform. 

Just with his smugness mixed with derision, Rey already hates him. 

“Well,” he says, “this must be the girl I’ve heard so much about. She’s arrived a bit late, hasn’t she?”

“You will let him go,” shouts Rey, clenching her fists. “Or else—”

“Or else  _ what? _ ” The ginger chuckles. “I know all about you. You’re just a desert rat from Jakku.”

The label angers Rey more than it should, and the first thing she thinks of as a reply is revenge.

She reaches out to him with the Force, grabbing his neck, and she’s unable to hold back a sigh of satisfaction when she sees him coughing. She can feel his bones under her grasp– such fragile little things. She squeezes, and her lips twitch up when she feels them break. He falls on the ground as the life leaves his body. 

She has never felt so free, and her euphoria reminds her of the first time she had Twi’lek liquor back on Jakku. 

“Who’s next?” she boasts, staring at the seven remaining shadows. But instead of cowering, they march towards her, and for a second, Rey doesn’t feel so certain as she did a few minutes earlier as she recognizes the Knights of Ren.

It is yet another case where she is utterly powerless, and this time, death could maybe be the most merciful alternative.

This is too much– after everything she has been through, facing such a pathetic end is something she cannot bear,  _ and cannot let happen _ .

All that anger, all that sadness, all that despair she has forced herself to bottle up during all those years comes to the surface, and her life plays in front of her like in a holovid. She sees those lonely nights, and her terrified five-year-old self hearing gnaw-jaws howling as they look for prey; those days where the sandstorms were so monstrous she was stuck for days in her AT-AT before she could dig her starved self out; those times where Plutt would pay her for less than the true worth of what she had scavenged, only to eye her up and down when he thought she wasn’t looking; losing Han; failing at her mission; and now,  _ now _ … 

_ She screams, and her rage echoes through the Force, sweeping her enemies like a deadly wave _ .

Darkness embraces her, and she takes deep breaths as she lets it in with a smile.

It’s only then that she becomes aware of her surroundings, and she sees seven corpses surrounding her.

It was all her doing.

She has fallen.

She turns around and sees Finn and a few other Resistance members looking at her in disbelief– except for Finn, who looks like he’s about to cry. It’s unbearable.

She hears someone limping behind her, and a hand grab her shoulder– Ren. His eyes are pleading.  _ Please. Let’s go before it’s too late. _

A sob escapes Rey’s throat, and it barely sounds human to her ears. 

She doesn’t look back– Ren leans on her, and they disappear into the streets of Coruscant. To Rey’s great surprise, no one chooses to follow them. She senses fear coming from them, and even disgust: for some, she is an enemy, just as much as Ren is. But they are still  _ too cowardly  _ to capture not only a severely wounded Kylo Ren, but also a slip of a girl who has just slaughtered seven powerful warriors just by screaming. 

Perhaps she shouldn’t be surprised. She has failed them by not bringing back Luke, not coming in time for Leia, and they must be scared to death of her after what she had done. It is an act of mercy that they let her go, and she should put it to good use.

_ And Finn… _

A towering figure appears in front of them, and Rey shouts in surprise. Moving out of the  dark, she recognizes Chewie. She freezes, unsure if she should be defensive or happy. 

“ _ I should have come to get you sooner, little pup, _ ” growls Chewbacca, and this time, as she looks into the Wookie’s kind eyes, Rey can’t hold back tears from falling. He looks at Ren, and for a moment she is frightened of what he might do. After all, last time they saw each other, Chewie had shot him in the side with his bowcaster.

She senses hesitation from his part, and resentment boiling up again. But instead, after a long look at Rey, he picks up Ren as if he were a child, and Rey sees through the bond images of a Wookie carrying a two or three-year-old boy in his arms.

“ _ I’m doing it for you, _ ” roars Chewie to her, but she can sense, deep down, that there are a few remains of affection still lying somewhere. 

* * *

 

 

Rey is silent as the medical droid checks one last time if the prosthetic arm is fully functional. She’s been sitting near the infirmary ever since their arrival, her chin on her knees. From time to time, Chewie pats her on the head, on the back– but she ignores it all. She remembers that time where she had called Kylo Ren a monster, and it doesn’t leave her mind once.

_ I’m a monster. _

Chewie leaves for a moment, probably arranging business with the doctor in the room just beside theirs. They’re lucky they have found a doctor on Coruscant, especially with the attack. The doctor in question was too frightened to come out of his house to help the wounded. For once, it was a good thing, especially considering his home was also his clinic. Finding another doctor on another planet would have been complicated, to say the least. 

Rey comes near the room where Ren (no, not Ren. She can’t call him that. Not anymore) is still laying. He turns his head towards her as she approaches, and he almost smiles at her.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, and Rey stills. This is the last thing she’d expected him to say after all this.

“What?”

“You came back for me.” He lowers his gaze and gulps. “No one ever did before.”

She runs towards him and hugs him in an impulse, and while he stays stiff for a few seconds, he eventually starts gently caressing the back of her head with his prosthetic hand. The metal is cold against her scalp, despite her hair covering it, but she doesn’t care.

“I—I killed them all,” she spits out. “I—I’m a mon—”

“No, you’re not,” he replies, as firmly as he can. “You defended yourself, and you saved me. Rey… Rey, listen to me. You did nothing wrong. Understand?”

She moves backwards, staring at him in disbelief. But he looks like he means every word of what he has just said, and she wants to believe he’s right– but she’s unable to.

But she knows, somehow, she can trust him. 

She reaches out for his right hand– the metal one– but he quickly draws it back and looks away in shame. For a moment, Rey’s throat tightens, as feelings of abandonment and rejection invade her once again, but this time, she knows that she can fight it and break that vicious circle. 

She gently caresses his hand with the tip of her fingers, almost playful yet gentle. He jolts his head towards her, and Rey jumps, startled by his sudden move. His feelings now indicate that he’s ashamed of his behavior towards her, that she shouldn’t almost beg for attention, that she would never have to do so again. With his prosthetic hand, he picks up her delicate one and brings it to his lips. Her cheeks heat up at the unexpected gesture, and she can’t help but think that he lingers for a bit too long when Chewie comes back into the room. Rey isn’t certain if she is thankful he has come back, or if she has some strange regret.

“ _ You’ll have to leave soon, _ ” growls Chewie. “ _ I’ve made sure the doctor won’t say anything about our visit, but they’ll be coming after you soon. _ ”

Rey takes a deep breath, trying to forget again about Finn’s crestfallen features. Now is not the time to be worried by the past.

“ _ You need to go towards the Outer Rim. Stay there for a while. Take the  _ Millennium Falcon _. _ ”

Ren’s head jolts up. “Uncle Chewie…”

“ _ Take it, _ ” Chewie insists. “ _ I’m sure he would have wanted it that way. _ ”

The Wookie doesn’t need to mention who he speaks of by “he”. 

“ _ Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid _ ,” says Chewie to Rey. “ _ I had to watch over his father all the time, and I bet he’ll be the same. _ ”

Ren mutters something unintelligible, only for Chewie to hug him tighter and Rey finally managing to let out a small laugh.

Perhaps leaving for a while and not looking back might be just what she needs. 

 

* * *

They have finally dropped into hyperspace after carefully evading all First Order presence. Pilots like Dameron would call it the usual routine, but the stunts they have done in order to get away from Coruscant are anything but reassuring, despite the fact they have managed to escape. Finn breathes more freely, but it would be a huge stretch to state that everything is fine.

General Organa is stable, according to Doctor Kalonia, but she has also mentioned that that’s neither good nor bad news. Given the devastating attack and the betrayal of the remaining Senators for the First Order, the Resistance’s survival depends, at the end of the day, on Leia Organa’s recovery.

But it is not the only reason why Finn is so somber.

He thinks of Rey, how horrified and bewildered she was after killing the Knights of Ren. He remembers Ren– yes, Ren, of all the people in the galaxy, getting up despite missing an arm, and dragging Rey away, while the two looked more like terrified children who just realized that they were alone and no one could ever save them.

_ But I could _ , whispers Finn to himself.

He still wants to help Rey, even if he knows half the Resistance thinks she is now against them, especially when she was supposed to bring back Luke Skywalker to them. 

She is his friend, and she has saved his life more than once. He can’t let her down.

He doesn’t even know where they might be hiding. She must be with Ren, at the moment, for whatever mysterious reason she has. He can’t figure it out, no matter how hard he tries. Repeating to himself that Rey  _ knows  _ what she’s doing, as always, is even harder.

He wonders if the First Order has caught them, and Finn has heard too many stories about the First Order’s “reconditioning” methods, which he doesn’t wish on anyone, not even Ren. He feels sick just thinking about what Rey could be enduring at this very moment.

For now, all he can do is to look at the stars and hope she is safe and free, somewhere out there.

_ I’ll find you, Rey,  _ says Finn to the galaxy spreading out before him.  _ I promise.  _

* * *

 

 

He insisted on her piloting. Rey hasn’t asked why- it’s obvious he doesn’t want to sit in what was once his father’s seat.

He hasn’t said a word ever since they’ve climbed aboard the  _ Falcon _ , after Chewie hugging them goodbye. Rey has punched in the coordinates to Lothal where the Wookie suggested they find refuge. He advised them to keep moving and not stay in one place for more than a few weeks.

The  _ Falcon  _ has pushed into hyperspace and there is not much more Rey can do. She attempts to distract herself by gazing at the window, and her reflection shines back, but with her eyes yellow rather than their usual hazel.

She can’t help but scream, and jolts out of her seat. Her companion quickly catches her, and she stares at him, her look wild.

“What color are my eyes?” she mutters. As he remains silent, puzzled and worried, she grabs his shoulders and starts shaking him. “TELL ME! TELL ME NOW! WHAT COLOR ARE MY EYES?”

It is only then that he understands, as she throws pictures towards his way of what she thinks she has seen. “They’re hazel, Rey, hazel!” he replies, almost exasperated. “There’s nothing wrong with them! It’s just the lights of the ship reflecting in the window!”

Her only reply is to let out heavy breaths, as if she is suffocating, and then crush her head on his chest, allowing herself to sob loudly.

He gently caresses her hair, his chin on top of her head.

“You need a teacher,” he says, and he can’t hide his smirk when Rey glares at him.

“How can you still be such an entitled jerk?”

“Well, at least I made you feel a bit better.”

“Kriff off.” She sniffles and takes a deep breath. “Anyway, we all know how it ended with my last teacher. And I’m probably better off untrained. That way, I won’t put anyone in danger.”

“You know, sometimes you say such stupid things—ow! Don’t pinch my stomach!”

“You deserved it.”

“Whatever. Anyway… what I was trying to say is that, you know, I do have an experience with bad teachers myself.” He chuckles in bitterness. “I think training might just help you control your power.”

She frowns and draws away from him. “How? You’ve been absorbed in the Dark Side for so long.”

He shrugs. “I discovered a few days ago I’m a loser who’s stronger in the Light Side than in the Dark Side. So there’s that, and I won’t tell you to swallow back your feelings because the Jedi Code says so.”

For a moment, Rey stays pensive. “I guess it’s a matter of putting your energy in something positive? Well, that’s what I did on Jakku. At least I kept myself busy there.”

He has another of his almost smiles. “Yeah. That sounds good. I wish I could do the same.”  

She lifts her head, staring right at him, and she cannot stop her eyes from sparkling and he blushes. 

“I could help you, too,” she murmurs.

He grins properly, and Rey is certain it’s the first time he’s done so in years. “I’d like that,” he replies.

She swallows hard as another question comes to her mind. She has no idea how he might react… but it’s worth the try.

“CanIcallyouBen?” she says in one breath.

He raises an eyebrow. “What?”

She bites her lip. It’s too late to turn back. “Can I call you Ben?”

He turns his gaze away, and for a moment, Rey is worried she might have angered him. She can’t just go around calling him Ren or Kylo. It doesn’t sound right. Not anymore. 

He exhales. “You can,” he groans, “but I’m not letting anyone else call me that. Understood?”

She nods, her features triumphant. Ben grunts and turns away, but Rey hasn’t missed the slight glimmer in his eyes.

Yes, this might just work. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found at cosetteskywalker.tumblr.com.


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